Grief
Grief
When I was 19, I lost my best friend. He was an indigenous youth the same age as me. We had only known each other for a few years but we had been through a lot together. He was the only other person I knew that would smile from ear to ear like I did from time to time. Once we challenged each other to hold a smile constantly for an hour, because we had heard that doing so would make us laugh uncontrollably. Although this did not happen, we did have a lot of fun trying. This was just one of many memories in which we shared that we connected in some silly way. When Dion passed, I was devastated, I cried and cried and withdrew form others. It felt unfair, and I couldn’t help but come up for reasons that it was my fault even though this was not the case. I felt that my other friends did not understand what I was going through. They seemed to expect I ought to just get over it and get on with my life. This is not what I wanted, I wanted to keep him in my thoughts. I wanted to pay homage to the positive quality of life he added to my own. We both had our problems but we were allies and this provided me with a deep sense confidence that I hadn’t felt from other friendships.
One of the things that I did in honour of his memory was I found two identical necklaces that reminded me of him and I visited his grave. During this visit I left one of the necklaces there and I put on the other. I wore this necklace 24-7. It was probably about two years before it fell apart and then I got another to replace it. It was important to me that I kept him alive in my memories. Eventually (about 5 years later). I stopped wearing the necklace. However, till this day I still have a relationship with him.
Although this was saddest thing to ever happen to me, this experience also helped me to appreciate life more than I would ever would of. It taught me that life is sacred and that it is important to treasure every moment we have with our close friends. His sense of humour and deep sense of caring will always be with me.
My experience with loss has demonstrated to me that it is important when supporting someone who has lost someone close that we allow them to grieve in their own way. The relationship that they shared with the deceased was very specific to them and the way this person chooses to honour them is likely to be reflective of the type of the relationship they had with them. For myself, having the necklace was a helpful focus point to help integrate ceremony into my life and provide closure to my relationship with him. Another piece that is important for me to illustrate is how important it is to provide someone who is grieving permission to reflect. I remember that many people wanted me to move on and I felt disrespected by this. I wanted to take time to honour his memory and I feel that taking this time to do this has added much to my life since then.
In caring for indigenous youth experiencing grief, understanding the youth's communication, sense of social support, sense of connection, and social and emotional experiences of loss and resilience related to bereavement are all important indicators of their mental health. (Kaplan et al., 2022).
It is imperative that we are sensitive to cultural factors when considering how to support an indigenous youth that is grieving a loss. Within our current societal paradigm our indigenous community has been treated poorly. Using residential schools and other such methods the indigenous community has been pushed to accept western indoctrination. To support an indigenous person, or anyone for that matter, we need to honour their customs, cultural upbringing, and worldview. As support workers we need to be sensitive to how western culture has actively taken part in the cultural assimilation of indigenous cultures. We are in the very early stages of reconciliation, and we need to be sensitive to the needs of our indigenous communities to remedy this situation.
The years of prejudice and intolerance that this community has faced since colonization needs to be addressed. We need to demonstrate a willingness to listen to the stories of each indigenous individuals and what can be done to help meet their needs we. This listening process needs to be genuine, empathetic and free from judgement. As listener our role is to speak when seeking clarification or summarizing what has been said to demonstrate understanding. It is important that we not interject with sharing our own story but instead we are there solely for the purpose of hearing their story.
Understanding what and why we are pursuing a line of questions can help us moderate our ability to be there for the client. Knowing how each question relates to helping the client express themself can help the support worker to not direct the conversation to their own agenda. This can be tricky work as many of cultural biases can lay latent within our own cultural ideologies. Often humility can help us to walk a respectful line for those we are supporting. If we take the time to collaborate with our clients, they can tell us what they need to feel respected and honoured. We can meet them where they are at and do our best to leave our own expectations out of it.
It can be difficult to understand how to support someone during their grieving process. How do we know where they are at and what can we do to best support them? Kaplan et al. (2022) offer a conceptual framework to consider some of the factors involved:
This framework integrates an empirically based approach to adolescent development with a focus on prevention, resiliency, and protective factors. External developmental assets such as providing support, empowerment, clear boundaries and expectations and constructive use of time. While Internal developmental assets are commitment to learning positive values, social competencies, and positive identity.
Many practitioners recognise the dual process model (DPM) of adaptive coping with bereavement. There is loss-orientated focus in which the youth process their loss and then there is the restorative-orientated focus in which the youth learn to adapt to their loss. It widely accepted that there is no clear linear process to ones grieving process. The youth is likely to go back and forth between the factors involved in this DPM model. When working with someone processing grief it is essential to provide a space that they can feel comfortable to explore what is happening for them. Each individual needs to be allowed to process their grief. In grief, there is a piece in which the person’s worldview may have been fundamentally shook. The loss they feel is likely to be representative of a whole set of needs, that were once met by the person they have lost.
When it comes to goal setting with a client that is grieving it is important to note where the client is in the DPM model. Are they in the process of mourning, remembering their loved one and/or initiated in ceremonial activities? If so, goal setting would be more focused on the loss itself and the processing of this. While if the client is demonstrating a willingness to move on from their loss and transition their focus on their other relationships and making plans for their future then goal setting would encompass how to meet these more transitional needs. However, it is important to note that the grieving process is not necessarily a linear process.
A couple possible interventions could be:
Geno gram intervention….
Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs intervention….
Please ask if you want know more!
Likely these interventions would be to slowly work towards, once client has demonstrated an ability to start move forward in their grieving process.
References
Ackerman, C. E. (2018, April). 3 Grief Counseling Therapy Techniques and interventions. Positive Psychology. Retrieved January 22, 2023, from https://positivepsychology.com/grief-counseling/
Brown, S. E. (2020). Leader to Leaders: An Indigenous School Leader’s Advice through Storytelling about Grief and Covid-19. Penn GSE Perspectives on Urban Education, 18(1), 1–3.
Kaplan, J., Block, R., Gillard, A., & Putnam, M. (2022). Inventory of Youth Adaptation to Loss (IYAL): Psychometric Testing of a New Instrument for Bereaved Youth to Assess Social Support and Coping. Omega: Journal of Death & Dying, 86(2), 503–532. https://doi.org/10.1177/0030222820976299
